Crinkle the shirt at the elbow and look like absolute shit. This is all politicians are capable of relaxing in: lose the suit jacket, slink the tie out, lose a button or two and roll those sleeves up three neat times. – A word on Ted Cruz's Dress Down and Look at a Cow Made of Butter Outfit: this is all politicians' dress down outfits at once. He's just physically incapable of showing it. We loop back to the wow: my conclusion is that it is a sincere one. But is he capable of translating that joy into internationally humanly recognised words and emotions? He is not. So from this evidence, this much we know: the man is a fan of dairy. Up close: I probably don't want to hear his opinions about abortions. From over here: I don't mind that Ted Cruz seems placid and cheery like a sort of dizzy cartoon bear. I feel like it would be harder to get along with that at close proximity – if, say, Ted Cruz were a politician in my country who was capable of making life-altering decisions for me. He seems sweet, almost, but with a dark sticky edge, like an aged aunt who ushers you into her immaculate front room – doilies just everywhere, in the aunt's room – and brings you a small china plate with two soft peanut cookies on it, then sits on the very edge of her armchair cushion, hands nestled between her big auntie thighs, the auntiest of aunt poses, and then whispers: I know exactly how much blood is in the human body. Ted Cruz, from here, falls somewhere between a ventriloquist's dummy and a placid murderer. (Top image: Illustration by Sam Taylor Ted Cruz photo via suppose it is easier for us here in the UK to regard Ted Cruz from across the distance of an ocean.
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